I just finished reading Uniquely Rika: A practical, no-nonsense approach to a fulfilling female-led, service oriented, Dominance/submission-based relationship, and found it to be the clearest and most compelling explanation of and argument for wife-led marriage or any female-led relationship that I have yet to hear or read.
The author is Ms. Rika, a self-described lifestyle Domme (meaning she is in a full-time female-led relationship, as opposed to being a professional Dominatrix) who has been learning and growing in her relationship for over 20 years. She writes with humor and compassion, beginning with a lengthy exploration of the differences between men’s and women’s approaches to female-led relationships and working her way through the reasons she has continued to pursue one for herself and even into nuts and bolts topics like male chastity and other optional pursuits.
That’s really the beauty of the entire book, the emphasis on the fact that no female-led relationship has to look the same as another and that ultimately, a successful relationship is one where both parties are acting in the best interest of the other and having fun doing it. Ms. Rika writes,
“If you accept and leverage a man’s commitment to serve, you can be considered a dominant. Are you less of a dominant if you choose to forgo the ritual kissing of the boots, whipping of the slave, or teasing of his genitals? What if hte major activity you want are hour-long backrubs? Suppose you don’t have a ‘kinky’ bone in your body? Can you still be a dominant?
Not only can you still be a dominant, but by defining the D/s relationship according to your needs, your like, and your wants and by excluding things that you do want or desire, you’re actually more dominant than a person who gives in to the norm and becomes someone she’s not!!!” (Uniquely Rika, page 29)
Here, and in other passages, she highlights the reality that true dominance is not about the male fantasy of leather and whips and chains. All of those things are fine, in their place, but only if that’s what I, as the Domme, want. Men have been fed so many images over the course of their lives that equate dominance with a woman in stiletto boots and holding a whip, but that doesn’t mean that as women, we are limited to that particular form of domination.
Ms. Rika goes on to explain that there is often a difference between what men who seek to submit want and what these same men need. She offers her take on what our men really need, writing:
“They want to make you happy, they want your attention, they want you to be an interested and active partner, and mostly, they want you openly recognize the power of being a woman. There is nothing more attractive to a submissive man than a woman who demonstrates openly how confident she is her sexuality and its effect on him.” (Uniquely Rika, page 46)
The rest of the book is essentially devoted discussing the ways that women can meet these desires in their partners and find pleasure and fun in the process.
As you can probably tell, I really enjoyed this book and I highly recommend it to any of you out there who are still confused about female-led relationship are really about, at the core. If you do read it, drop me a line and tell me what you thought, or leave a comment here.
I so appreciate all of the comments, and as always, will try to reply to as many as I can. In the meantime, be kind, be generous and take care of yourselves.